Because I'm cool like that...

The adventures of a knitter in Tucson, AZ.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Just once

Last night I wasn't feeling well, so I stayed home instead of going to my knitting group. I watched this show on CBS called "The Menatlist", about some guy who works for the cops helping solve crimes with the power of his intellect. Last nights show was a boy who was found dead in the woods with candles and a pentagram near the body. You can see where this is heading. When they asked the parents if the kid was interested in the occult, they said that this witch had called and said she put a spell on him for stealing her cat.

So they go and visit the witch. Her "name" was Tourmaline Dove, or some new age crap like that. She was a complete freak, with a coven of high schoolers. She put a "death curse" on the kid for stealing and killing her cat um..isn't that a crime? What ever happened to calling the cops?. She is the worst stereotype of the New Age fluffy bunny crazy freak witch wannabe. She took great pleasure in playing that role, and scaring the cops and people around her. Later you find out she did time in a mental institution. One of the cops describes people who follow Wicca as "nerds in cloaks".

Now, my coven is made up of these people:

HP: retired Air Force, Civil Engineer. Now works for the county clerk

HPS: retired Air Force, medic. Now a neo-natal nurse practitioner, works with Doctors Without Borders

Maiden: palates instructor, working on her degree in physical therapy

Others include: retired military intelligence officer, working on masters. Pharmacist. Vet tek. Artists. Grad student in music. Teacher. IT. Restaurant manager. Artist. RPCV.

Now, while between the 14 of us we have or ar working towards 16 higher educational degrees (from bachelors to PhD), I don't think any of us are nerds. And the closest thing I have to a cloak is a shawl.

Just once, I would like to watch one of these shows where the cops are looking for the evil/scary/crazy witch and find a normal person, like the majority of us are. Here's my script:

cops approach a nice ranch style home. The yard is desert landscaping, with islands of flowers. Very neat and conservative, as fitting for the neighborhood. They use the knocker, which is a wrought iron green man like this:
The first indication that the house is not exactly like it's neighbors. Then again, they could just have liked antiques and thought it was a cool door knocker. The door is opened by a man in a pinstripe suit

Man: Can I help you?

Cops: Yes, um, we're looking for the witch. We were told she lives here.

Man: She? Well, I suppose you mean my wife. She's still doing rounds. Is there something I can help you with? I'm John Smith.

Cops: Rounds?

John: Yes. My wife is chief of staff at the local hospital. Got her MD from John's Hopkins. Can I help you? Though I only have about 20 minutes to spare before I have to leave for court.

Cop:with a look of condensation on his face. "Here it is!" he thinks. "all these freaks are criminals, and he's just admitted it." Court?

John: Yes. I am an appellate judge. I am hearing a case this afternoon. Why don't you come inside. I can offer you some coffee and you can tell me what this is about.

everyone goes inside. They see a nice home, maybe a bit cluttered with the collections of a lifetime. The cops wait in the living room while the man goes for coffee. They look around and see pictures of kids in every stage of development

John:with obvious pride in his voice Ah, I see you looking at our children. That is my oldest son. He's a corporate lawyer in NYC. We joke about if that is a violation of the Rede. There is my daughter. She's getting her masters in political science at Georgetown. And my youngest, a teacher in an inner city school. Wonderful children.

Cop: Are they witches too?

John: Of course. Why wouldn't they be?

Cop: You actually raised your children like this?

John:confused Yes, of course. We raised three wonderful children into three wonderful adults. I am confused...

Cop: No, I mean raised them as witches

John: We raised our children in the religion that we follow. Didn't you do the same? Now, how can I help you?

Cop: We're investigating a murder. A boy named Jimmy.

John: hmm...I don't recall any of the cases before me to be about children. But you said you were looking for my wife. Was he a patient of hers?

Cop: Not that we know of. But we'll be looking into that. He was killed in a ritualistic fashion.

John: That's terrible. His family must be devastated. Not enough to loose your son, but to have him taken in such a way. I am not sure how I can help though.

Cop: He was found with candles and a pentagram. We think he was sacrificed.

John: I am still confused...Ah, now I see. A boy is killed, and you come to the followers of a non-mainstream faith. Tell me, what makes you think me of my family did this besides the name of our religion? I wonder, if a boy is killed and there is wine or bread present, do you go and question the Catholic priests in the area? Or if there is salt found near the body, do you get a list of Jews? Do you do that instead of looking for the nearest kitchen?

Cop: well, um...

John: I know! If a black man is killed, you question every black man you can find. Obviously, one of them did it! My, police work must be gratifying, with your suspect list so obvious. You never have to investigate. Like if you had, you would have realised that in this house is a judge and a doctor. We live an upper-middle class existence. We raised 3 kids and put them through school. We also happen to be a religious family. Had we attended St. Joseph's down the street, you would never have looked twice at us. Now, I have a question for you: What was the religion of the last murder suspect you arrested?

Cop: I don't know. Christian I guess.

John: And the one before that? Christian? How about the five before that? So, statistically, of the last 7 murder suspects, 100% were Christian. So, statistically speaking, shouldn't you be next door questioning Mr. Doe? He's in human resources, raised 5 kids, has 8 grand kids. He's also the deacon of his parish. Being Christian, doesn't it stand a better chance of him being your killer? Do some investigating, and if you still feel like I or my wife are viable suspects, you can contact our attorney, who will be quite interested in your religious discrimination and racial profiling. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get to work.

the cops are shown out, with a sheepish look on their faces. John closes the door, and you can hear a garage door opening and see him drive away

Cop; Maybe we should do some investigating, and find out if this murder actually has anything to do with the religion. Maybe it's kids, or someone trying to stage something to throw us off the trail. I mean, we zeroed in on a suspect, and if he's not the killer, the real one has had all day to cover his tracks.

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